Hoo-boy. What does one write in regards to an angry young man? How can one explain or reason or cajole? Will it even matter? Let us enter the Zoo ...

Admission is Free
Welcome to the Zoological Garden. If you signed up for your free membership, please go through the express turnstile.
Visitors with a Day Pass, line up behind the blue line. You must be properly briefed before entry.

Briefing Room
All right. You're here and I know you're eager to explore. Just hold on a minute. This zoo is unlike most, we keep the animals behind cages to protect them from the members.
You see, the animals are rare, and must not be destroyed by overzealous activities of which we have no control. There are only a handful of park attendants and they spend much of their time talking to each other.
This is why you Day Pass visitors must use the catwalks, high above the park, where you can see just about everything, but you can't interfere.
Now, I must warn you, some of the sights are disturbing. You may see an animal being mercilessly harassed by a small group of members. You may see some members voiding themselves right on the path. You probably won't see any animals doing that, because they have dignity and will go inside their private cages.

It's not all bad, though: it is amusing to watch the animals point and chatter amongst themselves when they spot a member wearing a wig and fake moustache. Usually, that is a member who has fallen from grace and was banned from this park. He thinks he is clever, but the animals, who have a keen sense of smell, are not fooled by the disguise. When the attendants hear all the chatter, they rush over to see what all the fuss is about, spot the troll and evict his sorry ass out of the park.

All right. Enough about that. Here are some of our most popular attractions:

• Bird World
• Monkey Island
• Wildlife Preserve
• Animal Nursery
• Bear Mountain

Bird World
These beautiful, exotic creatures are the rarest of creatures in our Zoo. They quietly go about their business, yet they bring such joy to those who take the time to visit.

Monkey Island
What Zoo would be complete without the raucous, fun-loving monkeys? They alone, among the animals, don't mind flinging poop at the members. They leave you laughing so hard, 'til you forget to take yourself so seriously and you realize: "Hey! This is a fun place to be!"

Wildlife Preserve
Located conveniently near Monkey Island, the Wildlife Preserve features some of the most startling creatures in the zoo. They are free to move around within the preserve and are often seen visiting each other's nests. They exhibit a wide range of behavior: sometimes frolicky, sometimes moody but, there's never a dull moment in here!

Animal Nursery
This is where our new additions are brought. For the first week or so, many of these animals are fragile and unsure of themselves. Yet, they quickly acclimate themselves to the environment and soon go off to populate other areas of the Zoo.

Bear Mountain
Forget lions: the big bear that lives here is the king of this Zoo! He is a gentle giant who only comes out of his mountain when he feels like it. Yet, somehow, he has a connection with most of the animals in this Zoo as well as with the vast majority of the members. Members have told us that Bear Mountain is the reason they obtained their membership! Go figure.

Going Home
Well, there you have it. The Zoo gets thousands of visitors every day. Some will love it. Some will hate it. Some will apply for membership because, frankly, the view from the catwalk sucks.
No matter what visitors do, the Zoo will be here.
And Poop Will Fly.