My parents, probably like most of our parents, taught me that it was a virtue and an essential part of our family's value system to help others. Their message must have been more powerful than I realized since I chose to enter into a helping profession as my "life's work". Remembering my early professional days, I was imbued with great enthusiasm to help people. I remember one of my supervisors, though, a very wise woman, cautioning me about the helping process. At first, her words seemed inappropriate because of all of the work that needed to be done. Actually, it wasn't until my fifth or sixth year of training that the full impact of her cautioning really had meaning.

Many, if not most people, welcome and appreciate help...especially in times of deep crises. However, that acceptance can be fraught with problems as well. Should the people receiving the help be very dependent in their personality makeup, the "helping process" tends to become the "enabling process". I use the term "enabling" to indicate that a basic problem that an individual might have can become exacerbated and, instead of the help working to their advantage, it does the opposite.

Some guidelines that can be used to guard against this danger are the following:

HELPING MAKES US "GOOD PEOPLE":
A common perception of helping is that our doing so makes us "good people". What makes us a "good person" is the person or who we are and not necessarily in the role of helping others. There are some people who believe this to a fault, however. They might even "force" their helping on others who may not really want the help but might accept it in order not to seem ungrateful. What ultimately occurs is a pattern of control being established with the helper in the controlling position. Of course, that isn't helping at all but can mistakenly be identified as a good and noble thing.

THE ISSUE OF "DIGNITY":
One of the most important things to look for in helping others is their sense of dignity. Other words for this concept might be "pride" or "survivor". Many people are too proud to accept help...even when they may need it...because they feel it detracts from their sense of dignity or their feeling of independence. This can be a very important determination to gauge since our "best intentions" might not only fall on "deaf ears" but become an insult to someone who feels strongly about their being helped by others.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY:
In order for people to be helped effectively, they must assume full responsibility for the problem-at-hand. Should the "pendulum" swing toward the responsibility being assumed by the helping person, something could be drastically wrong and both the "helper and helpee" need to reassess the process ASAP.

THE HELPER'S SENSE OF GRATIFICATION:
One of the main incentives that most people want to experience in helping others is the sense of gratification they receive from doing so. However, in order to truly help someone in a manner that their personal dignity is maintained, a sense of objectivity needs to be maintained by the helping person. Objectivity allows the helping person to gauge how effective they are the helping process and whether the people being helped are "truly benefiting" from the help being given. If the helping person tends to place more emphasis on their sense of gratification than on maintaining their objectivity, problems are sure to arise in the process.

DISCOMFORT ON THE PART OF THOSE NEEDING HELP:

There is a difference between someone ''needing'' help and "wanting'' help. There are many people whom we might determine "need help" who really don't "want" it. In those cases, our perception of that "need" isn't theirs. They might manifest their discomfort by appearing anxious, uncommunicative, hesitant or tending to procrastinate in coming to some conclusion regarding their accepting the help being offered. Helpers need to be aware of where the person needing help "is coming from" before we jump into our helping role.

I guess the general rule might best be depicted in the song that was made popular by a popular country/western singer who cautioned the gambler to know "when to stay and when to walk away". The helping process can be "tricky" and the more aware we are, the more effective we can be in helping others.

Charles Bonasera

Charles M. Bonasera had been a practicing psychotherapist since 1962 and has served as a Consultant, Mediator, Author and Workshop Presenter since 2003. Based on years of extensive research he became a Stress Management expert and founded/ directed the Stress Management Center which evaluated and treated stress-related problems. As President of Personal Identity Controls, he developed and produced a number of interactive materials on various stress-related topics to enable people to take greater control their lives.Charles produced the CD/workbook entitled “Guide To A Life Management Process” which helps people recognize and manage their stress more effectively. His Workshops and consultations with businesses, corporations and schools, stresses the recognition that our greatest resource is people and treating them with dignity and respect promotes productivity. His role as a keynote speaker mixes his professional wisdom with practical solutions and a sense of humor.

Based on his previous experience as an evaluator of learning disabilities, he began rendering Workshops to school districts in 1995. His goal was to help educators recognize the importance of incorporating principles of mental health in the classroom. His Workshop and Consulting roles dealt with issues such as anger and stress management, developing reasonable expectations, belligerent behavior, case study workshops, parent-teacher relationships, reducing anxiety to facilitate the learning process, problem solving techniques and the practical components of healthy, happy relationships. Many of these same topics were incorporated into general audience workshops as well.

Charles’ methods center around helping people develop “alternative ways to happiness.” His problem-solving techniques are practical and interactive enabling people to make their own choices in their own individual style and time-frame.. His approach clearly embodies the philosophy that “the greatest learning we experience is when we don’t know we’re learning and are having fun” and that learning is both an intellectual and emotional process.