I was talking to one of my coaching clients and she was talking about not being able to stay with a meditation practice, so she gave up meditating altogether. "Im either gung ho all the way or I dont show up at all," she said in disgust. We were talking on an evening when she "hadnt shown up at all." She had washed dishes instead. You would have thought she had mutilated small children. And gauging the self-attack that followed, I dont think that meditation would have helped. The Dalai Lama, himself would have had to have shown up and told her it was no big deal. And I bet he would have given her one of those big goofy, freedom-filled smiles. I understand the desire to make changes in your life and I applaud them heartily. But I invite you to be inconsistent and unreliable. I dare you to break promises to yourself and I dare you to make new ones. This is the courageous path of learning to grow, love and trust yourselfand to keep dancing into the life you desire, no matter what. To me, theres beauty, intelligence and grace in showing up lopsided, showing up fitfully, showing up sporadically. Showing up is showing up. The dream-basher in you pushes you into airtight commitments. But real change is about breathing, coming in and going out. Daring to live your calling is a path of invitation, not interrogation. My favorite poet Rumi, an absurdly free and brilliant spirit, writes: "Come, come whoever you are, wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving it doesnt matter, Ours is not a caravan of despair Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times Come, come again."
A Course in Miracles echoes this same philosophy by telling us to "choose once again," whenever we have made a choice that has felt painful. It doesnt say beat yourself up bloody, give up, throw in the towel, recount how many other things youve given up on. It asks us to save time and just begin again, choose the new behavior or belief now, let go of the past, and give birth to a different experience this very minute. When I first began writing, I had an awful time with myself. Id come up with all kinds of perfectly devised writing schedules for myself and then avoid or blow every one of them. Id be furious with myself, convinced I was never going to be able to accomplish anything. Id feel miserable and pathetic. But finally I did make huge progress as a writer. Not by setting up a better writing program. But through learning to love, comfort, and coax myself into action. In This Time I Dance!, I wrote that "Only the tender can breed the fierce." This was so opposite to my initial thinking. Like my non-meditating client, I thought that if I had "misbehaved," I needed a bigger stick, not an extra chocolate bar. But my guidance then, as now, reflected, "Be even kinder to yourself when you feel fear. Love, not anger, inspires right action." And it was true. Part of me avoided writing because I was afraid to face myself. And only gentleness inspired more encounters. Sometimes, we have an ill-advised idea of what showing up looks like. In the creative life, many people confuse rigidity with purity. But remember the creative personality might have many loves and devotions. And this is not distraction or avoidance. This is self-expression. When I lived in the mountains and was writing my book, I came into the city all the time to teach classes and to hang out at coffeehouses and secretly relish urban noise and stimulus. One person in a writing group said "If you were serious about that book, youd just stay in the mountains and write." I anguished over this comment for a long time. But his puritan approach would have sucked the life out of me. I needed to make a living in the city and I enjoyed my urban escapades. I wanted both lives. Likewise, I have clients who are parents--who are not only going to sculpt or work on a sales brochure for their business. Another part of their lives is going to soccer practice and picking up Cheerios and bananas. They are not abandoning their passions. They are claiming more of them. Focus on the behaviors you wish to encourage, not the other choices. If you are trying to lose weight, dont agitate over your failure of will on the third day of your program. Celebrate the 2 days of enthusiasm and motivation. Only the wins countif you want to win. In 12 step lingo, Its all about progress, not perfection. I know the sticklers will tell you that taking one exercise class wont help or spending one hour with your camera, but I disagree. Every act of love for yourself--makes a difference. That one time can boost your self-esteem and increase the likelihood that youll return. Go ahead, stumble into grace. Start and stop a million times. Get there late and leave early. Whatever it takes. So what, if in a linear world they call you erratic? In this world you are a daring hopscotch queen, a creative explorer, a traveler on a caravan of joy, and that works just fine, because youre moving in the right direction. |
