Over the years, I often thought that the birth mother experiences something akin to the mother whose child dies. Surrendering your child is like your child is dead to you only in part. Your brain, and heart, still know that the child lives. In some ways this is worse than an actual death. In an actual death, the parent can find solace in the belief that their child is happy in the bosom of the Lord. And the child is not here on earth, missing their birth parents or suffering in any way. The birth mother, who has surrendered her child for adoption, worries over her child and the child's well being continually.

Further, the child's needs are being met by someone else. This leaves the birth mother feeling like such a failure. And at the very base of all the suffering is the loneliness. Birth mother is missing her child, pure and simple. It always feels like the child should be there with her. Today, I am watching my 70 year old brother-in-law experience these same sufferings. How, you are undoubtedly wondering, can a 70 year old man experience the same emotional sufferings as a birth mother?

Well, he has finally given in to family pressure and his own limitations. He is placing his wife in a nursing home for memory impaired individuals. His wife has left us in bits and pieces, over the past few years. First, she could not add and subtract anymore. An avid bridge player, she lost her ability to play the simplest of card games. Now she cannot feed herself, toilet herself, dress herself, or even talk. She is loosing recognition of family members. She is most often floundering between anger, fright and confusion. She knows just enough to know that things are not right in her mind. She knows she 'should be able to......'. Those were words she most often spoke when she had lost most of her speech capability. Words that are beyond her now.

So there is my poor brother-in-law. It's like his wife is dead; only she is not. Someone else is going to tend to her needs. She will not live with him. He feels that she belongs with him, he is her husband! He will be so lonely without her. And what if she wakes in the night frightened and wondering where he is! If she were really dead and in the bosom of our Lord, he would not have to worry about her well being. He would know she was not suffering! My brother-in-law will face all this with the fervent hope and prayer that it will be best for his wife. But he knows that as long as his wife is there, he will never again draw a free breath. And, like us birth mothers, he will live with an empty chair...