A female client of mine asked me the other day: Why can't men understand our feelings and emotions? Why can't they figure out what we women want? For a few moments I sat quiet with a smile on my face. I was reminded of yet another client I had a session with just a few days before. Hed been working with me for six months when he met a wonderful woman he believes is his soul mate. But after dating her for only three weeks he called me asking to schedule a session as soon as possible. He said it was a matter of life and death. After the formal greetings he spat it out:" I thought I KNEW her but I think I really dont KNOW her. Isnt that weird? Why is it so difficult to know a woman? Do women make themselves intentionally mysterious or is that their true character?" Its a nice thought that men will someday understand women, but trying to understand women to the point of Aha! I get it all now! is futile. Any time I hear a man say he understands women, I find myself wondering, Do you actually understand women, or do you just recognize patterns in their behavior. Ive been with my man for six years. We have a wonderful relationship. Hes a real man who isnt afraid to cry in front of me, apologize when he is wrong, admit when he is feeling insecure and ask for my advice and help when he needs it. But he doesnt tip toe around me for fear of offending me. He knows when to draw the line in the sand and look me in the eye and tell me to shut up when my hormonal bickering becomes too much. He isnt shy when it comes to tearing my blouse open or whispering profanities in my ear. He owns his mind and lets me own mine, but I dont think I'll ever understand him any more than hell understand me. Women are definitely not men, men are not women. Men dont understand women any better than women understand men. And working with many single men and women, and couples just starting a life together, I have come to the conclusion that relationships cannot be fully understood, only fully experienced. A good relationship is not demanding understanding but being able to accept that we will never completely understand each other and consciously choosing to enjoy each other's differences, as long as they are not destructive. We simply choose to love each other for being the mysterious creatures that we are. Such loving is a celebration of both identity and difference: rejoicing in feeling at one with the other, while at the same time delighting in the other's difference, their uniqueness and distinctness of being. In a wonderful book titled 'Soul Mates,' Thomas Moore says pretty much the same thing. He believes that instead of trying to analyze or manipulate or fix relationships, we spend more time being attuned to their fundamental mystery. Personally I believe that we have a great deal to learn from nature and life itself. The ancients and indigenous people have known for thousands of years that mystery, suspense and enjoyment are intimately connected, and removing the curtain that divides us takes away much of the fun and fulfillment in men and women relationships. I think it was the Dalai Lama's brother who said (in an NPR interview) something like, "If you shine a bright light into every corner of your apartment, it will become unliveable." Yes, cold and distant don't work anymore and open communication is more important than ever as people lose their last bit of tolerance for bullshit, but lets not be in too much of a rush to the opposite end. I'm talking about keeping a healthy, scintillating balance. Taking the time to actually pay attention to each other and then going out of our way to charm, delight and make the other person gasp! Mystery is an aphrodisiac! |
