Beyond the gropings and immediate gratifications of the sexual dance of adolescence and young adulthood, there is the quiet but intense satisfaction of a mature sex life. While the unbearable tension of youth may have dimmed, a physical union between long-time lovers can be richer for the shared affection and history that each partner brings to the experience. The physical act of sexual intercourse can become more exciting and satisfying if it is viewed as the climax of a rising tension, much as happened in the early days of your relationship. Somewhere along the line "making love" became transformed into "having sex." The intricate rituals of courtship and dating evolved into a quick hustle before falling asleep. We need to periodically recapture those rituals to build the momentum needed for climactic, explosive physical sensations. Start rekindling those old feelings by creating events in your life that involve only you and your lover. Learn to periodically step back to the dating phase of your relationship. How long has it been since the two of you went out for a romantic dinner in a dimly lit restaurant? How long since you last flirted outrageously with your partner? Flirtation is not teasing but a subtle promise of what may happen if everything falls into place. It involves all the senses and temporarily elevates the body created by nature above the mind developed by man. Sight includes the smile of the other, a shake of the hair, a bounce in the walk. It may involve blushing or bravado, depending on your personal style. Its goal is to become the total focus of the other's attention, excluding the rest of the world from the special interaction between the two of you. Sight can also be physically stimulating through the viewing of romantic or sexual material. Men seem to respond best to pornography whether hardcore or soft. Women more usually prefer romance mixed in with any graphic sexual scene and prefer titillating movies or television shows to reels of blue action. Women also tend to respond to words rather than pictures, a predilection that has created a huge industry of romantic novels and gothic mysteries. Whatever the individual preference, sight is an integral part of emotional and physical arousal. Our sense of hearing is intensified by low, intimate tones that amuse, delight, and entice. On a romantic date, we talk about each other, not about other people, or work, or world events. We talk about how we feel about the other. We positively nurture the other's emotions and ego to make each of us feel that, if for only a brief moment in time, we are perfect. Beneath the words uttered, we sense the feelings of the other and respond in a mutual exchange of affection, respect and desire. We listen to a wide variety of music that softly rekindles romance, stimulates and invigorates us, or brings back memories of love and satisfaction. The sense of touch pervades our interaction because of our awareness that the culmination of our dance will be unapologetically physical. Lightly touching each other, holding hands, dancing, embracing, are all techniques we use to establish a physical bond with the other. We show affection to our pets and our babies by stroking them and smoothing their hair. We want to intensify this same soothing contact with our mate by a deliberate touching that builds tension through the promise of more extensive physical contact to follow. The odors of courtship have been studied extensively by the perfumeriers who attempt to capture the subtleties of physical arousal in a bottle, attempting to make a fortune. While manufactured scents can be pleasant and provocative, their effects pale before the innate prehistoric abilities nature has willed us. When we feel the desire to reach complete intimacy with our partner, our bodies respond by excreting pheromones, communicating our readiness to couple as distinctively as an animal in heat signals the go ahead to potential males in its vicinity. This powerful magnet cannot be sprayed on from a bottle, it must emerge out of the emotions and sexual tensions that are slowly aroused during the game of courtship and seduction. Trying to hurry their onset or expecting instant arousal only short circuits their appearance. They must be allowed to build gradually and naturally as part of an overall ritual of mutual want. The taste of intimacy is the kiss, an exchange of all the senses coming down to us from the dawn of our species when our race was born and pre-programmed to copulate and reproduce. We kiss many people in our lives: friends, family, and children, just to show affection. But the romantic kisses of lovers are in a class by themselves. Long, lingering kisses, tongue kisses, light kissing and licking of slightly salted skin, all are of primary importance in building the desire and readiness for a full physical union. We speak of someone as being a "great kisser," while the kisses of others leave us cold. The difference is seldom in the technique but in the feelings that are aroused. If we care deeply about someone and want desperately to be with them, even a light touch of the lips can evoke delight and excitement while the well-developed techniques of others seem mechanical and dull. Rekindling the sensuous buffet that is dating can infuse a freshness into the most long-established partnership. Set up a date, prepare for it as if it were your first encounter, and let your body take care of the natural responses that follow when you disengage your mind and your raw, primitive side emerges to evoke the pleasure and satiation that an evening of well-paced and drawn out love making can provide. |
