I love people, so let's get that right out of the way. Therefore, I'm not anti-social: it's more like selectively non-social. What's the difference? Well, let me describe my previous life. I was married to a social butterfly. My wife liked company all the time. Not that I wasn't a good partner, it's just that there was only one of me. She preferred multiple contacts in every situation possible. We began going to church shortly after my daughter was born. But we did more than simply attend: we got 'involved.' That meant, becoming members of various groups. The Bible-study group, the newcomers group, the planning committee and so forth. Not only did we go to Sunday service, we had additional meetings every week. This continued for several years. During that time, she also got us into neighbor watch programs, Bunko groups and work-related events. Every weekend meant a new commitment at our house or someone else's. I had to adapt to this new lifestyle where our social-base grew exponentially at an alarming rate. We barely had a free evening for time by ourselves. My wife reveled in her friends and enjoyed the chance to talk and mingle. I was content to follow her lead and joined in the fray. But it took its toll. Initially I didn't mind the whirlwind interactions and found many of our friends interesting and compatible. But not everyone. I found I didn't mesh with some of the church people. Oh, I was accepted, but with whom I had nothing in common. This was true for a proportion of some of our neighbors. They were polite and accommodating, but not really interested in us as friends. Perhaps our social status or other issues muddied the waters. In any regard, we weren't quite up to their standards. At various parties, we or they would host, I noticed that I would ask them a slew of questions about their work or life without a single question about myself coming in return. This occurred with an increasing frequency. Conversations were always about their latest exploits or work. They talked about their travels. They talked about their children. They talked about their hopes, dreams, and successes. If I even attempted to interject something about myself, it was tolerated for mere moments until they lost interest. Then it was back to their world. I know that this goes on for everyone reading this article. It's just that perhaps it's a best-kept secret no one likes to admit or discuss. I realized how much I began to dread the endless social scene when we changed churches and got even more involved, if it were possible. We were founding members and threw ourselves into every aspect of that institution. We helped with fundraising, activities, the music, the administration, the search for a new building, and the promotion. We were part of many groups and our social endeavors widened even farther. Now I practically had no individual life and was ruled by a calendar. If it was Friday, it was the Jones. Saturday, the Smiths. Sunday was church, followed by a church lunch. Then Bible study in the afternoon. Wednesday was Bunko night, Thursday a birthday party, friend's retirement or anniversary. Add in just plain dinner parties every weekend and there you have it. I was not relishing the days that were flashing by filled with a sea of faces, small talk, hor d'ouvres, and constant chatter. I was burned out. Then tragedy struck out of nowhere. My wife died and everything changed in an instant. It's now years later, and I'm lucky enough to have found a new love and remarried. I miss some of the old friends but none of the hectic pace. My first wife loved the social gatherings and I thank her for the journey into that life. But now I have a few select friends I really care about and that's okay with me. The days of endless socializing are done and I've moved on. I imagine there are other people that can relate to my account and I have some words of wisdom. I went along with my wife's way of living because I loved her and it made her happy. That was my mission as a good husband. But I could change anything, I would have made my position known years ago and perhaps spared myself of many uncomfortable situations. So talk to your significant other if you are trapped in a social quagmire and don't be afraid to be honest. I promise, they'll still be your friend. Therefore, what's fulfilling for one person, may not be the case for the other. Myth busted! |
