If you're a single mom who's been holding it down alone or simply dealing with a hard-to-take ex, it's easy to get caught up in tit-for-tat dynamics. But there's a price we pay when we allow bitterness to seep in and engage in no-holds-barred power struggles. Even if the anger is justified and we believe the other person had it coming. What begins to happen is that same bitterness spirals into the other facets of our lives causing a domino effect. And sooner than you know it, it starts to dominate your thoughts, consume your conversations and pollute your spirit. It also depletes you of the desire to move beyond the animosity. It simply cost too much to be bitter. And in the end both you and your children suffer. So in the words of my good friend and colleague, Shawn Dove, "Don't get bitter, get better." Here's a quick test to help you figure out if you are getting better or growing bitter.

1. When people ask you why you and your child's father are not together. You:

a.) Shake your head in disgust. Give the pay-per-view version of your break-up, including how many other women he's slept with and how much he owes in back child support. You even admit to having a voodoo doll made in his image, which you occasionally torment, whenever you need to blow off a little steam.

b.) Give the cliff notes version of the break-up with an annotated listing of his flaws. Just in case he ever applies for a job with the government.

c.) Say it didn't work out and move on to a more interesting topic.

2. The very first time you saw your child's father with his new significant other. You:

a.) Gave her the gangsta stare. Offered your condolences. Then went into your routine about what a no good son of a #$%&# he is.

b.) Felt a twinge of jealousy and made a catty comment about her outfit. After all, it's not like she couldn't benefit from a head to toe makeover.

c.) Smiled politely and contemplated sending her a thank you note for taking his crazy butt off your hands. Better her, than you.

3. The first time you looked back at old photos of you and your child's father. You:

a.) Made a he-devil dartboard out of them and used his side for target practice.

b.) Ran them through the paper shredder with the rest of the trash.

c.) Put them away for safekeeping for your child's future reference.

4. If your child's father was ever late with a child support payment. You would:

a.) Tell him he could not see his child until he was paid up. Then hang posters of him in every neighborhood with the heading, "Wanted Deadbeat Dad."

b.) Go to family court the very next day.

c.) Have a serious talk with him about the importance of being consistent with child support, because it assures that the children have what they need in a timely manner. Then explain if he doesn't hold up to his end of the bargain, you'll have no alternative but to take him to court ASAP.

5. Your child's father shows up unexpectedly at your home demanding to come inside and see the children. You:

a.) Curse his behind out. Then, threaten to call your cousins Pookie and Big Sal to pay him a "friendly" visit.

b.) Look at him like he's crazy and tell him he has 30 seconds before the door hits him in the face.

c.) Tell him to wait outside or in the car while you go get the children. You let him know upfront that he has 15 minutes and the next time he comes unannounced you will not let him visit with the children. Or, you firmly but politely tell him this is not a good time for you, but he can call you tomorrow to make arrangements. It's not about denying him access to his children. It's a matter of respecting your personal space and time.

6. Your children's father wants to take the kids on a weekend trip with his significant other. You:

a.) Tell him there's no way in hell you'll let your children anywhere near that heifer.

b.) Let your children go, but encourage them to act up just enough so that he will never bring your kids around her again.

c.) Express your concerns and expectations. Discuss roles, rules and boundaries. Then send them off with your blessings. After all, you really could use a break.

7. Your child's father will be attending parent/teacher night at your child's school. You:

a.) Use it as an opportunity to trash your child's father and tell the teacher the reason your child is not performing up to par is because his father lets him watch television and play video games all day.

b.) Refuse to be in the same room with that trifling man.

c.) Call your child's father to discuss what the two of you are going to tell the teacher. Even though you are not together you still want what's best for your child.

8. Your daughter comes back from spending the weekend with her dad and his new flavor of the month. She goes on about how pretty and nice dad's new girlfriend is. You:

a.) Tell her to give it a rest if she knows what's good for her.

b.) Ask if she's prettier than you.

c.) Say, "that's nice," and move on to a different subject.

9. Your son who is eight years old is reciting the lyrics to rapper 50 cent "Pimp" song. When you ask your son where he learned the song. He says, "My father and his friends play the CD all the time." You:

a.) Call his father and curse him out for turning your son into a little thug.

b.) Grab your son firmly and threaten to slap the daylights out of him if you ever catch him singing that song again.

c.) Have a firm talk with your son explaining why the song is not appropriate and why he cannot listen to or sing it. Then, call his father.

10. When you think of your relationship with your child's father five years from now. You:

a.) Hope he moves to the other side of the continent never to be seen or heard from again.

b.) See the two of you still working out the tough issues. If it's not one thing, it's another.

c.) Have a positive view of the future. You can even see the two of you living in the same neighborhood to make co-parenting a little easier.

Scoring

*Bitter Baby's Mama (Mostly A's) If you responded with 5 or more A's, you are officially a card carrying member of the bitter baby's mama club. You could probably stand to benefit from a little anger management. I'm not saying that you're out of control, but you do make Leona Hemsley look like a girl scout. You may think that you're only hurting your ex by being spiteful and playing the vindictive game, but in the end you are only hurting your child. How? By fuelling the flames of animosity, you create a deeper wedge between you and your child's father, and this makes co-parenting more difficult than it has to be.

*Baby's Mama With Baggage (Mostly B's) If you responded with 5 or more B's, I wouldn't say that you are bitter, you've just got an extra bag or two that you're still carrying around. You are definitely no Cruelella, but you're no Mother Theresa either. While you don't gear up for battle over the tiniest, little infraction, it doesn't take much for you to get out your heavy artillery either. What's important for you to keep in mind is that every action has a boomerang effect. And the surest way to have a bomb dropped in your direction is to keep the battle going. Give yourself credit for the strides you have made thus far. More importantly, try to keep the focus of your interaction with your ex on doing what is best for your child. At times it might be tough, but you can do it.

*Wise Single Mom (Mostly C's) If you responded with 7 or more C's, congratulations, you are a wise single mom. Many of us could benefit from your knowledge and wisdom. Either by trial or by error, you have come to realize that being spiteful is a complete waste of time. All you want to do is keep moving forward and enjoy the view while you're moving. Your motto is, "live and let die," because you know that the best revenge is to live a full and joyful life. You are more concerned with building a high quality life for yourself and sowing seeds of success in your child than plotting up ways to get back at your ex. Keep up the good work.

Excerpt from Cassandra Mack's book in progess for single moms.