Mary Valenti was looking forward with anticipation to her son, Joshua's, college graduation. As the grandchild of Italian immigrants, Joshua was soon to become the first member of the Valenti family to obtain a bachelor's degree in America. Mary was stunned when Joshua told her that he did not want to have a graduation party. Instead, he chose to spend a long weekend at the Jersey Shore with some college buddies. Ann Powers learned that her daughter, Chantel, was skipping her master's degree graduation program and heading off to Europe on a month long trip. Ann had already arranged a surprise graduation celebration bash with family members and friends at the local country club when Chantel produced airline and train tickets for her planned trip. John Cowens was happy that his son, Rick, finished technical school with honors. Rick, on the other hand, was disappointed that the family was marking the ocassion with only a cookout at home with a small group of family members. Clearly, he had expected more. All three of these situations underscores what sometimes happens when a loved one graduates from school: one family member or members expects something completely different than what another family member delivers. The fall out can result in family conflicts that will not be easily erased; the resultant damage can have lasting implications. Let's examine some steps that parents and their adult children should take before an important family milestone arises: 1. Communication Long before the graduation ceremony is scheduled, parents and their adult children need to discuss specific celebration plans. Assuming that one party or the other wants to mark or skip the event can be a huge mistake. Give voice to your thoughts; let nothing be taken for granted. 2. Expectations As parents, we can easily impose our will for our children upon them without considering their thoughts. Lest we forget, they are now adults and they should be able to make important decisions on their own. 3. Compromise Parents and their adult children, after airing their ideas [communication] and sharing their 'plans' for the event [expectations], must arrive at some point of compromise with each other. It may not be a story book resolution, but it should be something both parties agree to. Without some sort of compromise, ongoing conflict -- even just seething below the horizon -- can and will take hold. Now let's take a look at how each family implemented these techniques to resolve their own conflicts. Initially, Mary yelled and reminded Joshua that the family footed the bill for his college education. Joshua explained that he and his friends were worn out from final exams and were heading to the shore to unwind. After a heated argument, a compromise was reached when they agreed to have a family celebration the following weekend. Chantel Powers had no idea that her mother wanted to celebrate her master's degree and to such a lavish extent. Happy with her family's celebrations marking her high school and college graduations, Chantel thought a quiet family event would be held. Ann, on the other hand, was thrilled with Chantel's accomplishments and wanted to mark the ocassion with an "all-out, get-out" event. Mother and daughter reached a compromise for a smaller, but still important event to be held over the 4th of July weekend when many family members and friends would be present. Rick was disappointed with the low key celebration that his father had planned for his graduation. When he stressed to his father that he was not going to seek formal education beyond the associate degree level, his father upped his plans closer to what Rick had expected. In all three cases, communication gave voice to everyone's expectations which, when hashed out, resulted in compromise that everyone could manage. Congratulations, grads...you just achieved another important milestone!
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